I Are Dating
by masterinkblaster
Summary: [I Am Weasel, Weasel/Baboon] When Weasel scores a hot date, I.R. Baboon is once again jealous of Weasel's accomplishments. Out of pity, the genius weasel decides to teach the idiotic baboon how to woo a potential date...but things quickly take a drastic turn when Baboon's idiocy gets the better of him!


I.R. Baboon, fast asleep in a large, leafy tree, is woken up by the sound of a delightful conversation. He opens his eyes, yawns, and scratches his rear as he looks down to the ground, seeing a scarlet figure slowly approaching, about to pass beneath him. Looking a bit harder, he sees that it's Weasel. He's walking with a rather attractive lady – her legs are long and pale, her skirt is thigh-length and red, matching her low-cut halter-top. Her long, blonde hair sways gently as she walks and her bright, red lips move smoothly as she talks to the small weasel at her left.

"I.R. likes that pretty lady! But lady is with that Weasel!" Baboon says, crossing his arms, "She deserve so much better than stupid _Weasel!_ " he says, mocking Weasel's name. "I know! I.R. will make lady jealous! She will want to come home with me instead of stupid Weasel!"

Baboon immediately climbs down from his tree, rushing up to the couple as they've only passed a short distance away from the tree. Weasel smiles politely.

"Why, Baboon!" he says, "A pleasure to see you! This is my lady friend, Marcy. Marcy, this is Baboon."

"A pleasure, Baboon," Marcy says, leaning down a bit to shake Baboon's hand.

Baboon immediately takes Marcy's hand and licks her rather harshly, "Why you not come with I.R instead of silly Weasel? I.R will show you a good time!" he says, taking her along with him, only to feel her struggling. Marcy reaches out for Weasel and scoffs at Baboon.

"Ugh! Let _go_ of me! How rude!" Marcy takes her hand back and wipes her hand off, "Ugh, come on, Weasel… our reservation is waiting."

"Reservation? Why Baboon not get reservation?"

"I'm taking Marcy… on a date," Weasel states rather matter-of-factly, "She and I will be dining at a restaurant while getting to know more about each other." He takes Marcy's hand, leading her gently away, "Hopefully then, she may become my girlfriend," he added quietly. "Wish me luck!"

"Good luck!" Baboon says, waving his hand as he stands crouching, watching the two go away. "Not…" Baboon hangs his head in despair, looking sadly at the ground. Near his feet, he can see a small slip of paper with large lettering on it. "What this? Stupid Weasel, littering is not very nice. If that lady knew he littered…" Baboon picks up the paper and reads it.

" _Lovebird's Diner!_

 _To cancel or make reservations, please call: 555-Luv-Bird"_

"This is perfect!" Baboon smiles, rushing as quickly as he can to a phone booth. He slips in a quarter and dials the number. "Hello? Yes, I.R. Baboon would like to make reservation! For two! Your finest most bestest table! Thank you!"

His reservation is set and his plans to one-up Weasel are a-go. With a smile on his face, he sits on the ground against the phone booth, crossing one leg over the other. He rests his eyes as he sighs.

"I.R. have good ideas! Weasel be so jealous when I… oh." Baboon sits up straight and scratches his head. "But I.R. not have date to take to reservations. I.R. better come up with quick plan!" Just as he finishes thinking aloud, he looks off and sees a dumpster. Immediately he approaches it and dives in, rummaging.

He tosses uninteresting things out of his way, like old scraps of food, trash bags, and old baby clothes beyond repair. What he does find gives him a brilliant idea. Picking up an old broom, he feels the bristles. Baboon decides the bristles could look like blonde hair, a lot like Marcy's hair, but… messier and stained with dirt smudges. He looks on the ground at the old baby clothes he threw out of the dumpster, and that's when the idea really sets in.

He hops out of the dumpster with an old, ratty roll of duct tape from the amongst the trash; Baboon shapes the baby clothes around the broom's stick to look like a dress. He tapes all the clothes in place and stands the broom up on its stick. Something is missing... perhaps more facial features would make the broom look more convincing.

Baboon sifts through the garbage bags on the ground and finds a pair of sunglasses. He pokes them through the bristles of the broom and slaps a strip of tape down the middle of the glasses' nosepiece to keep it in place. He smiles to himself and sighs proudly.

"I.R. made wonderful date for reservations!" Baboon says proudly, "I.R. will call you… Marcy-leen! Come on, Marcy-leen! Let us go to reservations!"

* * *

Lovebird's Diner is a peaceful eatery. It's small, yet a bit classy. It's definitely on the higher-end of fast food places. The place's reputation is rather impressive, considering it's not the _most_ romantic place, but the owner, James Lovebird, is a well-known chef, making Lovebird's Diner a hot spot in the town Baboon lives in.

As Baboon approaches the diner, he can see the place is packed. Through the window, he can see Weasel and Marcy sitting at a table with plates before them and glasses of wine. Baboon wastes no time – it's the perfect opportunity. He rushes into the diner and takes his place at the table he reserved, which was luckily near Weasel's table. This would make Baboon's plan go a lot smoother.

His broom-date sits across from him and motionlessly remains there, awkwardly silent. Baboon smiles and begins to exaggerate laughter. He smacks his hand on the table and laughs loud enough for Weasel and Marcy to hear them.

"Oh, Marcy-leen! You are so funny! I.R. so glad to come to reservations with you and not mean Marcy-lady!" he says, looking to the table next to him, "Oh, hello, Weasel! Was this where your reservations was?"

"Baboon, ah…" Weasel smiles awkwardly, "How strange to see you here… we had no idea you'd be here."

"Oh, yes, well… I.R. have date!" Baboon says, pointing over to his makeshift lady, who stands stiffly and lifelessly, as simply, a broom.

"Ah… I see…" Weasel says a bit nervously, looking over to Marcy, "Ah… well… why don't you tell us a bit about your… er… lady friend."

"Marcy-leen saw how mean and nasty your girly friend was to I.R. and swooped me up into her arms!" Baboon lies, "I bet Marcy is very jealous!"

"I was rude to _you?"_ Marcy says, standing up, "Ugh… Weasel, you're a super sweet guy but… if your friends are going to treat me like this… I can't be around you!"

"Wait!" Weasel says, reaching for her as she walks away, "Agh… Baboon… why did you say those rude things?!"

"I.R. not say rude things! Lady said rude things to I.R. before!" Baboon says, "I.R. not to blame!"

"Agh..." Weasel groans, pressing his palm to his forehead and shaking his head in shame. "Alright… the reason why Marcy didn't like you is because you came on too strong!"

"I.R. thought ladies like when boy is strong!" Baboon complains.

"They do!" Weasel says, getting up from his table and joining Baboon at his, "But listen… coming on strong is not the same as being strong. It means you made her uncomfortable."

"How I.R. get a ladyfriend then!?" Baboon scoffs, slouching in his seat and crossing his arms, "Not fair. Weasel always do better than Baboon."

"Well, how about this… if you like, I can show you how to treat a lady and maybe get one to like you."

"You do that for I.R?"

"Yes. I'll do that for you, my friend."

* * *

Weasel's home is rather clean and modern-looking. Standing in the middle of the living room, Baboon looks quite out of place with his ragged T-Shirt with upside-down lettering. He looks around the room and sees the white sofa with black pillows, a black coffee table and black end tables. The cream-colored carpeting brings the room together as the navy-blue drapes sway gently while the windows are cracked slightly open.

Weasel walks into the living room from his kitchen, carrying a small tray with two mugs. The mugs have small tea-bag strings draping out. He sits on the sofa and pats the cushion next to him.

"Lesson one, Baboon," he says, "Say you're out at a café and you see a lovely looking lady. You may approach her, you may compliment her, but don't touch her right away."

Baboon crosses his arms, slumping on the sofa, "Then how I.R. supposed to show love?!"

"Start off small. Compliment her. Tell her she has lovely eyes," Weasel says, "Then when she seems more attracted to you, you're free to ask her out."

"I.R. not patient! I.R. want to go to reservations fast!" Baboon pouts.

"Test it on me, then. I'll be the girl, you be the man asking me out," Weasel says, preparing himself by sitting more femininely. He bats his lashes and crosses one leg over the other.

"Ah… okay… uh," Baboon stammers, "Hello, lady… I.R. think you have nice eyes."

"Oh, why thank you, Mr. I.R!" Weasel says in his most high-pitched, girliest voice.

Baboon's attention is taken from the situation and he focuses on Weasel's acting. Soon, he becomes a bit captivated by Weasel's femininity.

"I… I.R. wondering if you will make reservations with me," Baboon says, feeling nervous.

"Oh, lovely!" Weasel says, "But I just ate not too long ago... we can do something else if you like! How about we go to a park?"

"I…um…" Baboon begins to cross the line between fantasy and reality. He finds himself looking Weasel's body up and down, his heart beating a bit faster. Baboon slowly reaches out for Weasel's hand and softly grabs it, "I.R. think you are pretty!" he says nervously.

"Oh, how kind!" Weasel says, not breaking character, "I've never been called pretty before! You're so nice already!"

Baboon smiles, watching Weasel talk as his eyes droop, looking lovesick. He finds himself scooting closer and taking Weasel's other hand.

"Ah…err… what are you doing, Mr. I.R?" Weasel asks, still in character, his voice high and feminine.

"I.R. really like you, Weasel-lady!" Baboon smiles, leaning in and kissing Weasel on his neck, "I.R. love Weasel!"

 _Oh… oh crap… um…_ "W-wait, Baboon!" Weasel says, completely dropping character and struggling to get out of Baboon's grasp. Baboon ignores him and pins him to the sofa, mounting on top of him.

"Fur is so soft on Weasel-lady!" Baboon says, feeling his groin tingle. As he kisses on Weasel's neck and cheeks harder and a bit more ravenously, he can feel his cock beginning to thicken. An erection slowly grows between his knees, grinding against Weasel's thigh, in turn making him feel a bit aroused.

"N-no! Baboon, stop… I'm… I'm not…" _This feels so… good! I've never done it with a man before… but… I… no, we can't do this. I couldn't!_

Baboon ignores Weasel and begins to grope him all over, rather sloppily, hungrily attempting to actually penetrate Weasel's anus, thrusting his hips around, only poking at his thighs.

"Agh, ah, stop… okay, wait!" Weasel shouts, "You're… going about it too roughly!" _What am I saying… I don't want to do it at all! Then again… who would know? Baboon wouldn't go off and tell anyone… would he?_ "Softly…" Weasel instructs, leading Baboon's hand to his side, stroking his fur gently, "gently."

"Weasel is so soft," Baboon says quietly, "Oohh…"

"Good… now gently… when you want to kiss a woman, you do it gently, with a lot of care," Weasel says, "like this," Weasel stands on the cushions, able to reach Baboon's lips a lot easier. He slowly gets closer until their lips press together snuggly, firmly, yet with a touch of gentleness.

Baboon feels his heart slamming against his chest as Weasel kisses him. The feeling of a strange passion takes over him and he finds himself gently caressing Weasel's back.

"Yes… like that…" Weasel says, beginning to moan a bit, "Just like… that…" he feels Baboon's hand reach between his legs, and it's then Weasel realizes he's had an erection for a little while. "Oh… Oh my, I'm so sorry… excuse me," Weasel says, feeling inappropriate and backing away.

Baboon doesn't let go. "Oh no… Weasel start this. I.R. want to learn how to show love to woman," he grins, pulling Weasel a bit closer. "So… what I.R. do next?"

Weasel's heart pounds in his chest. A sense of nervousness takes over him and butterflies form in his stomach. "You… um… lay her gently down… and…"

Baboon lays Weasel on his back, laying on top of him, his cock grinding against Weasel's a bit. "I.R. do good?" he smirks, slowly grinding against Weasel's thigh and cock.

"Y-yes… agh…" Weasel moans gently, feeling Baboon apply his full weight, which pins him to the sofa. He begins to feel Baboon's cock slipping slowly downward, closer to his anus. "N-now you, um… your… your penis…" Weasel blushes, "you just put it…"

"In here?" Baboon asks, pressing the tip against Weasel's anus.

"Y-yes!" he gasps.

Baboon slowly pushes his length into Weasel's asshole. His thick, red, pulsating shaft slowly becomes sunken in Weasel's small, virgin hole. Weasel squirms a bit as the stinging pain of his ass gaping sends small shocks of twinging pain up his spine, but soon as Baboon inserts himself fully, Weasel feels an immense pleasure.

"Aagh, y-yes… like that!" Weasel moans, "Now… you… just… mmgh!" Weasel can't bring himself to speak. Baboon's cock is so thick and overwhelming, all he can do is lay there, afraid to move, but also engulfed in a wave of pleasure.

Baboon begins thrusting as his instincts take over. He leans down and licks Weasel's neck slowly, kissing slowly up his chin and to his lips. Thrusting into Weasel's tight, slowly gaping anus, he grunts softly in pleasure while his tongue explores the inside of Weasel's mouth, deepening the kiss. He places his hands on both sides of Weasel, thrusting slowly, listening to Weasel's moans.

 _He's in my ass! He's actually, truly inside me! I.R. Baboon is making… love to me. This… feels unlike anything I've ever felt! He means it, doesn't he?_ Weasel moans as he thrusts upward a bit, grinding his cock against Baboon's belly. As he thrusts a bit harder against Baboon, he begins to feel his pleasure intensifying.

The sound of Weasel's panting and moaning make Baboon want to go a bit faster. He allows the urge to take over him, much like earlier, but with a bit more self-control, Baboon thrusts harder, but at the same, slow, easy-going pace. He says nothing, only grunting and thrusting hard, as his animal instinct drives him to do.

Weasel arches his back as he feels his orgasm coming close, "I'm… g-gonna cum… Baboon… you're going to make me or-orgas…sm!"

Baboon looks up to Weasel in confusion, "What that mean?"

"It means…I'm… g-gonna… agh!" Weasel groans, feeling an insanely pleasurable pressure in his groin as his cum sprays out of his pulsating, aching cock. Cum splashes onto Baboon's belly and shirt, taking him by surprise.

"I.R. want to do that!" he pants, thrusting a little bit faster.

"Then… f-fuck me faster!" Weasel says, moaning and squirming from the intense pleasure.

Baboon smiles and thrusts faster, the cum falling off his chest and onto Weasel's belly. He feels the pleasure growing and the fluttering in his stomach becomes strong and even a bit violent. Baboon begins to grunt loudly, soon releasing his more animalistic nature. He groans in pleasure as he buries his cock deeply into Weasel's asshole, thrusting faster and harder. He begins to screech as he feels his cock throbbing as Weasel squirms in pleasure beneath him. Soon, Baboon feels his balls tightening: he's having an orgasm.

"Aagh! God!" Baboon screams, filling Weasel's ass with cum and allowing it to drip out onto the sofa. He slowly comes to a stop, panting and looking down at Weasel, covered in a bit of sweat and his fur looking a bit messy.

"That's… amazing…" Weasel pants. "I think… any woman would be happy to be with you."

"Weasel mean that?" Baboon smiles, hopping off and sitting down, grabbing the mug of tea and drinking as though nothing had happened.

"Say… uh… "Weasel says sitting up," Would you want to… maybe stay here for a while?" he blushes, straightening out his fur and cleaning off his belly. He reaches for his mug, as well. "I mean… we could… hang out… or… practice a little more…"

"I.R. see a beginning to a good, new friendship, Weasel!" he says, smiling with a nod. "I.R. order pizza!"

"Great idea, Baboon," Weasel says, watching Baboon get off the sofa. He stares at his shining, red ass and a grin streaks his face. _"Great_ idea."


End file.
